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Visiting Day
“You’re an idiot,” my wife, Lauren, affectionately tells me on our drive home from Visiting Day at our daughter Liz’s camp.
“Why?”
“The swimming. Tennis. Kickball!”
“They didn’t even play kickball,” I point out.
“Exactly.”
I take a cookie from my pocket.
“Where did you get that?” Lauren asks. “Did you steal a cookie?”
“Liz raves about these cookies.”
“You just had two ice creams.”
“One-and-a-half … oh, you’re not good with fractions. That’s between one and two.”
“Funny … I think I should be allowed to have an affair. There has to be a law which allows it in special circumstances like these.”
“If you do, can he at least pay for camp?”
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The Dance Recital
Today marks the anniversary of arguably the most notorious event of my childhood: the murders of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman.1<—– CLICK ON THESE RED BOXES FOR MY TERRIBLE JOKES
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We’re All Deformed
“Your arms are different.”
My five-year-old daughter, Liz, said this to my three-year-old son, Matt, recently.
Matt put his arms up together, compared them, then gave me a quizzical look like, Dad, is she right?
I gave an answer straight from the textbook, “We’re all different. Everyone is beautiful in their own way.”
“But you’re not beautiful, Daddy,” Liz said.
Fair point. 2 <—– CLICK ON THESE RED BOXES FOR MY TERRIBLE JOKES
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Frozen Sucks
My new book opens with a profanity-laced tirade against the popular kids’ movie Frozen. I then proceed to go into other topics like sex, pregnancy, parenthood and mental health – you know, less important things.
Well fortunately I decided to devote an entire blog to an extensive breakdown of this movie. Here it is:
Before we get started, a few ground rules for all my reviews:
I am not interested in whether my six-year-old daughter and four-year-old son enjoy it. Rather, let’s decide whether it’s tolerable to us as parents. After all, we’re sitting through these movies and shows too. Clearly, we would rather watch Breaking Bad than Paw Patrol, but since that’s not happening, how bearable is the viewing experience?
Because it’s been scientifically proven that nothing on Earth tastes better than ice cream cake (if it doesn’t have the cookie crumbs like Carvel’s, it’s not ice cream cake), I’m going to rate the movies on a scale of 1 to 5 ice cream cakes. 5 – it’s actually enjoyable to an adult. 1 – when they ask to watch it again, I’m going to say that the movie went home to its mommy and daddy and will be back to visit another time. Let’s consider the following four categories:
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