Frozen Sucks
My new book opens with a profanity-laced tirade against the popular kids’ movie Frozen. I then proceed to go into other topics like sex, pregnancy, parenthood and mental health – you know, less important things.
Well fortunately I decided to devote an entire blog to an extensive breakdown of this movie. Here it is:
Before we get started, a few ground rules for all my reviews:
I am not interested in whether my six-year-old daughter and four-year-old son enjoy it. Rather, let’s decide whether it’s tolerable to us as parents. After all, we’re sitting through these movies and shows too. Clearly, we would rather watch Breaking Bad than Paw Patrol, but since that’s not happening, how bearable is the viewing experience?
Because it’s been scientifically proven that nothing on Earth tastes better than ice cream cake (if it doesn’t have the cookie crumbs like Carvel’s, it’s not ice cream cake), I’m going to rate the movies on a scale of 1 to 5 ice cream cakes. 5 – it’s actually enjoyable to an adult. 1 – when they ask to watch it again, I’m going to say that the movie went home to its mommy and daddy and will be back to visit another time. Let’s consider the following four categories:
- Plot (required explanation) – Plot is irrelevant to us adults for purposes of entertainment. Again, we don’t want to be watching this shit. Plot is important though because, let’s be honest, folks, kids are not the brightest bulbs (I know yours are, I’m sorry, you’re right). In fairness, when you’re four years old, literally nothing has happened to you yet, so it’s kind of hard to understand why people do things. So I’m going to look at it through the prism of, “How often am I going to have to look up from my phone and explain what is going on?”
- Suspension of reality required – How much liberty is taken to move the plot forward? As a frustrated writer, I will use my unabashed jealousy of the writers of these stories and criticize the shortcuts they take to move the plot forward. Their preying on kids’ ignorance will not get past me.
- Rewatchability – Around view number 4 or 5, after extensive explanation, your kids are going to get the general idea. So now, how tolerable is View 6 – View 879? This category encompasses things like unintentional comedy and annoyance of the characters voices (important if your kids watch in the backseat of the car on iPads).
- Loss of perspective of the child – when your son thinks he can fly and climbs onto counters and jumps because a movie character can fly, it’s your problem.
Today, I’m going to review Frozen. Next week, if I haven’t already been shunned by the Disney community in the interim, I will do the same.
Frozen
There was the Big 3 in the NBA – LeBron, Wade and Bosh. There’s the Big 3 in soccer – Messi, Ronaldo and (Neymar?). Of course, there’s the Big 3 Trump kids – Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric – who are doing wondrous things for the reputation of Generation X.
In kids’ movies, there’s a clear Big 3. Trolls, Moana, and of course Frozen. Frozen was the first one released, and I believe is the most successful of the three (I could check the box office, but I’m too lazy. If you’ve come here looking for facts, you’re in the wrong place).
Plot – Two princess sisters are playing around and one, Elsa, shoots some ice shit out of her hands cause she’s special and hurts the other one, Anna. This causes Elsa to become a hermit, and after their parents die in a boating accident, it gets worse and she cuts off the whole world. It culminates in her setting off an eternal winter by accident, and she runs away to the middle of nowhere and builds an ice castle to live in. Anna is forced to go find her to convince Elsa to reverse the eternal winter.
Okay, a lot going on here. The story seems straightforward enough to an adult, but there’s all kinds of hurdles to clear as a parent in explaining it. First, the death of the parents.1 You need to mumble your way through this part. Preschoolers don’t understand death and you don’t want them to. You don’t actually see the parents croak, so that helps, but they are noticeably absent for the rest of the movie, causing your child to inevitably ask, “Where is their mommy and daddy?”
On the plus side, the rest of the movie is pretty straightforward. “She makes the winter be forever and runs away, and her sister needs to find her to ask her to stop the winter.” We’re a warm weather vacation family, so for us, it was easy – the winter sucks.
Additional bonus point for a lot of songs as they relate to plot, because no one understands the meaning of songs to begin with, so you can just gloss over them.
Suspension of reality required – Let’s put the magic aside, as 90 percent of the movies out today involve someone with special powers. What I don’t understand though, is why can’t she just tell Anna she’s got this problem with her hands? Look, I’ve kept my mental health struggles a secret until recently, so I understand the fear of being judged. But let’s not equate cool magic powers with your hands to anxiety. There’s a big plus to being able to shoot ice from your hands. And if you don’t want to do it, fine, just wear gloves and you’re good. Those gloves are like a long lasting, side-effect-free Xanax. Tell your sister you can’t take them off, and you’re set.
The other plot point that drives me nuts, is how does Hans (Anna’s love interest who turns into Kim Jong-un after she puts him in charge while she’s searching for Elsa), who literally met Anna ten minutes before all hell breaks loose, become in charge of a whole kingdom? Just because Anna says so? There’s no backup government in place? Who was running things after their parents died? And how does Hans have the power to sentence Elsa to death? She’s the freaking Queen. He’s some outsider and he’s giving death sentences? That’s like if we elected a President who didn’t even win the vote in our country and he started making all kinds of dictatorial decisions. That would never happen … oh wait? Okay, bad example.
Rewatchability – This is where the existence of songs becomes a big negative. My tone-deaf children’s repeated renditions of Let It Go should be utilized in Guantanamo Bay to get the terrorists to talk.
There’s a little unintentional comedy that helps. There’s a talking snowman, Olaf, who’s kind of funny (I guess that’s intentional comedy). There’s the fact that Anna’s friend, Kristoff, has a weird ventriloquist thing going on with his reindeer, Sven. And even better, when Sven talks, it’s really Kristoff pretending that Sven can talk. Because why would a reindeer be able to talk? That’s too unrealistic. A talking snowman is of course much more realistic.
Loss of Perspective of Child – This is where Frozen moves into the “’hate” category for me. My daughter is convinced that she’s a real-life princess now. For a while, she wouldn’t wear anything to school but dresses and ballgowns. “You know you’re not fucking Meghan Markle,” I yelled at her one morning when she was being particularly irrational about her outfit.
Frozen gets the boys too though, because my son loves pretending he can shoot stuff out of his hands. When that doesn’t work – when my daughter tells him nothing is actually coming out of his hands – he then takes ice out of the freezer and throws it at people.
Note: There is one good lesson that comes out the movie that I’m happy my daughter gets to see, which is: Most men are douchebags. Other than Kristoff, all the male characters are pretty detestable, led of course by Hans.
Final Grade – 1½ ice cream cakes (but the half doesn’t have the cookie crumbs)
Next week: Peppa Pig is an Asshole
Brett’s memoir, WHAT COULD GO WRONG? – My Mostly Comedic Journey through Marriage, Parenting and Depression, was just released and is the Number #1 New Release in Fatherhood! (for exactly 42 minutes so far) If you liked this blog, you’ll love the book. If you didn’t like it, how dare you? Now make it up to Brett and click on the Amazon button.
