My new book opens with a profanity-laced tirade against the popular kids’ movie Frozen. I then proceed to go into other topics like sex, pregnancy, parenthood and mental health – you know, less important things.

Well fortunately I decided to devote an entire blog to an extensive breakdown of this movie. Here it is:

Before we get started, a few ground rules for all my reviews:

I am not interested in whether my six-year-old daughter and four-year-old son enjoy it. Rather, let’s decide whether it’s tolerable to us as parents. After all, we’re sitting through these movies and shows too. Clearly, we would rather watch Breaking Bad than Paw Patrol, but since that’s not happening, how bearable is the viewing experience?

Because it’s been scientifically proven that nothing on Earth tastes better than ice cream cake (if it doesn’t have the cookie crumbs like Carvel’s, it’s not ice cream cake), I’m going to rate the movies on a scale of 1 to 5 ice cream cakes. 5 – it’s actually enjoyable to an adult. 1 – when they ask to watch it again, I’m going to say that the movie went home to its mommy and daddy and will be back to visit another time. Let’s consider the following four categories: