-
The Chaperone
Lauren [my wife]: I signed you up to be a chaperone for Liz’s class trip.
Me: You know I have a job as a lawyer. Right?
Lauren: I would take it a bit more seriously if you didn’t only claim you were a lawyer when you don’t want to do things.
Me: No, I don’t.
Lauren: And claim you’re a writer only when an attractive woman asks you what you do.
Me: That is not true.
-
My Mostly Comedic Journey to Ketosis
I fucking hate avocados.
I mean, I didn’t before this. But things have changed. It all started a few weeks ago…
-
The Fishing Trip
Over the holidays, we were fortunate enough to spend a week down in Aruba. Normally, I use this time to lie around like a lox, with the occasional threat by my wife, Lauren, to get off my ass and acknowledge our children’s existence. 1
-
The Ducks
Watching seven-year-old girls play soccer is like watching ducks attack a piece of bread in a pond.
And this is a vast improvement from coaching five-year-old boys.
-
The Concert
“Brett’s scared of lightning.” my wife Lauren tells our group, while I look like I want to curl up into a fetal position.
In between lightning flashes, all I can think about is the made-up conversation these people are having in their heads. So let me get this straight… your husband doesn’t drink, he doesn’t do any fun recreational drugs, he no longer eats, and now with this lightning, he’s a complete wimp?
Well, he is a good designated driver when he’s not taking Xanax. And he has a bizarre sense of humor which you will really appreciate when you’re under the influence.
“Lauren should really just commit you to a nursing home already,” my friend says.
“Sounds good to me,” I reply. “I like those little ice creams they give you on your tray.”
You May Also Like
The One Parent Weekend
-
The Cleanse
That fucking message. Twice a day. Usually right in mid-spoon of ice cream. So I’m fat. New fat. Like there’s Old Money and New Money. I’m New Fat. It’s fun being New Fat. People don’t know what to say when they see me. They just pretend they’re not staring at my stomach. Now I know how girls feel when guys look at their boobs while they talk to them.
-
The Panacea
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, an issue that is personal to me as I’ve spent the second twenty years of my life battling anxiety and depression. Last year, I wrote a piece for The Good Men Project about The Anxiety and Depression Stigma. I hope we’ve made some progress since then to end the stigma.
One of the reasons for the unfair stigma is the misconception about what it’s like to live with anxiety and depression. There’s a perception that if you’re depressed, you can’t get out of bed or do your job.
For many who struggle, including me, that’s not usually how it manifests itself. It affects me in different ways, subtle ways, sometimes silly ways.
But ways nonetheless.
-
The Game
The greatest Vampire Baseball player ever Baseball field, Brooklyn – 1984
Bottom of the sixth inning, last chance for the Braves, down 7-6, 2 outs.
Playing shortstop for the Giants, the seven-year-old boy who would grow up to pretend his name is Brett Grayson, waits for the pitch. The pitcher delivers (okay, I’m lying, it was T-Ball, no one delivered any pitch). The batter crushes a ball over the outfielder’s head. The Giants outfielder, who was in the outfield for a reason (not coordinated), retrieves the ball. The batter is rounding the bases, heading for home to tie the game.
The outfielder throws the ball to me, and I relay it home. The throw is hard and high. The catcher jumps, but it goes over his head. The umpire, standing behind the catcher, gets in the way of the throw, and it hits him right in the neck below the faceguard.
And he’s out! No, not the runner. The umpire. Out. Unconscious. Coaches run to his side and attend to him.
Me: (to my father) What’s the call, Dad? Is he out?
35 years later
-
The Procedure
If you’re not familiar with our son’s story, first check out this piece I wrote for Scary Mommy: The End of Innocence
——————————-
Monday afternoon – Boston Children’s Hospital – bathroom
I rub up against my wife, Lauren, while she washes her hands.
“What are you doing?” Lauren asks.
I shrug my shoulders.
“You want to have sex in the bathroom of a children’s hospital while our son is having an eight-hour surgery?”
-
The Death Talk
Never thought these two would share a photo I find the timing of when people pass away to be endlessly interesting. Sometimes a celebrity dies at the wrong time and gets trumped by someone more famous’ death. (poor Mother Theresa never stood a chance against Princess Di) Then there are instances when two people with no previous connection pass away the same week and become inextricably linked in my mind. My wife Lauren’s grandmother and Luke Perry both died last week. The only similarity between them before last week was they both stood upright (and even that was questionable the last few years of her life).
STAY IN TOUCH!
Your information will *never* be shared or sold to a 3rd party.