The Death Talk

I find the timing of when people pass away to be endlessly interesting. Sometimes a celebrity dies at the wrong time and gets trumped by someone more famous’ death. (poor Mother Theresa never stood a chance against Princess Di) Then there are instances when two people with no previous connection pass away the same week and become inextricably linked in my mind. My wife Lauren’s grandmother and Luke Perry both died last week. The only similarity between them before last week was they both stood upright (and even that was questionable the last few years of her life). 

I am also confused by the visceral reactions I have to some deaths and not to others. I didn’t cry when my grandfather passed away, but I was a wreck when my dog died (The elephant-dose SSRIs might be a factor). Similarly, Luke Perry hit me harder than I expected. I’m guessing his forever imprint in my mind as a high school kid makes his death at a young 52 feel even more premature (putting aside that he was actually 25 when he played a high school kid on 90210).

None of these feelings are pleasant and I’m envious of my children who live in a bubble where no one (besides the bugs that my son murders a little too happily) ever dies. In my book, I discuss shielding them from the dark realities of the world – hatred, violence, illness and the main event: Death. And we did a nice job hanging on for a while. But Liz and Matt are 6 and 4 now, and their Nana – great-grandmother, Myra, just passed away. It’s the first death of someone they saw somewhat regularly. It was time to tell them. How though?

The following is a conversation we had (Anything I thought but didn’t say is italicized)

Me: We need to have a family talk. Can everyone sit down?

14 hours later

Me: Mommy and I have something we want to talk to you about.

Liz: Are we planning my half-birthday?

Lauren: No. There’s no party for your half-birthday.

Liz: Why?

Lauren: Because we don’t have half-birthday parties. 

Matt: Tomorrow is Mickey’s birthday [Matt got a Mickey Mouse stuffed animal yesterday]

Liz: You just got him yesterday. It’s not his birthday.

Matt: Yes, it is.

Me: He’s a fucking stuffed animal. He doesn’t have a birthday. Mommy and I want to talk to you about something serious.

Lauren: Okay, we wanted to tell you that Nana died.

No response at all

Me: (reciting straight from Google) That means her body stopped working.

Lauren: And we’re not going to be able to visit her anymore.

Liz: Where did she go?

Me: She went to heaven.

Liz: Where is heaven?

Me: For me it’s the Japanese restaurant in the Borgata hotel. My chips are at the table and I’m taking a break to eat a spicy tuna hand roll knowing I have six hours of poker to play (that’s very specific, Daddy) It’s in the clouds.

Matt: Is she floating up there?

Me: Yep.

Liz: What about on a day when there’s no clouds?

Lauren: Can I give you a hug? That’s a really great question. Well, on those days she goes somewhere else.

Liz: Where does she go?

Me: Wherever she wants. If it was me, Aruba.

Liz: Does she go to our hotel we go to in Aruba?

Me: I don’t know if she goes to Aruba.

Matt: I would go in the lazy river all day.

Liz: And you wouldn’t need to wear a wristband.

Lauren: We’re getting off track here.

Matt: Daddy, because I’m drinking all my milk, I’m getting hair on my knees.

Me: Okay, that’s random… And not true.

Liz: Is Nana floating because she can’t walk?

Lauren: She can walk now.

Liz: So why doesn’t everyone who can’t walk just die. Then they can walk.

Me: Well, there are some disadvantages.

Matt: Who is Nana with in heaven?

Me: Well, there’s some people I can definitely rule out. She’s with her Mommy and Daddy.

Liz: Does she come back at night?

Me: I hope not. That would freak me out. No.

Liz: Why do we die?

Lauren: Because that’s the way God did it. We live a long life hopefully, and then when it’s our time, we go off into the clouds.

Matt: Is she in the clouds with the tooth fairy?

Lauren: Maybe.

Liz: Is that why old people don’t have teeth?

I feel like my kids are either really smart or really dumb, and I’m not sure which one it is

Matt: Are you going to die, Daddy?

Me: Pass. Why do I get all the hard questions? Eventually, yes.

Matt: When?

Me: Well according to your Mom if I keep eating ice cream late at night, any day now. Hopefully in a long time from now.

Liz: Is there a chance it will be soon?

Me: Probably not. Fuck, I need to get to the gym.

Liz: Are Sawyer and Smurf [our dogs] going to die?

Me: If there was a God, they wouldn’t, but Sawyer’s 11. Probably soon. Yes, and they will go to doggy heaven.

Liz: Is that different from regular heaven?

Me: If it is, I’m putting in my name for doggy heaven. I’m not sure.

Liz: I heard you die when you lose your eyelashes.

Me: That’s not right.

I check my eyelashes to be extra safe

Liz: Where is God? Is he in the clouds too?

Lauren: Maybe.

Matt: What does he look like?

Lauren: It might be a she.

Liz: But I heard he has a beard.

Lauren: We don’t know that for sure.

Liz: Can a woman have a beard?

Lauren: Not usually, but I guess it’s possible.

Matt: Daddy, you have a beard.

Me: I know. Mommy doesn’t love it. I think it looks good.

Liz: Daddy, does everyone die?

Me: Everyone except for Kirk Douglas, apparently. Yes, eventually everyone.

Liz: Am I going to die?

Me: Not for a long, long time.

Liz: But I don’t want to die.

Me: Well…

Lauren (cutting me off since this answer requires a touch she was born with) It’s part of life. You’re going to live a full life and go to college and get married and have your own family and then one day you’ll be grandparents and you will see the most amazing things in your life. Cars might fly. And they’re probably going to go to Mars. You have so much to look forward to. Life is an amazing thing. And you should be so excited for everything that you’re going to experience. And Nana will be looking down on you the whole time.

Matt: I will miss playing with Nana.

Lauren: Me too.

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My book, filled with serious conversations like this that I interrupt with inappropriate humor, is now available. If you’ve read it, I love you forever, now click the Amazon button and leave a review. If you haven’t read it, click the button and order it. Your life will never be the same (Ok, that’s a ridiculous claim by me. But you might laugh a few times)