The Cyclist
Bicycle store – Present Day
Store employee: I can check in the back for a Double XL, but we usually don’t carry them.
Me: But I’m usually a Large. Are the bike jerseys cut that small?
Store employee: Large in the cycling community is not the same as Large in the rest of the world.
I head back into the dressing room and try to take the XL jersey off, but it is literally stuck to my skin. It’s like I put on my seven-year-old son Max’s clothes. After a long battle I am able to get it off. I exit the dressing room.
Store employee: I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have double XL. There is a Big and Tall store just around the corner that might have some jerseys.
Me: I don’t need a Big and Tall store.
I call my wife and tell her I can’t use the gift card her mother got me for my birthday to this store, that nothing fits me – bike shorts, shirts. This gets her hysterical.
Me: I hate you. I’m going to eat more now you know. This only makes me want to be fatter.
——————
Last summer, we took a family trip to Nantucket. It was an island away from everyone, which was great for pandemic times. We found a house on Air BnB, packed the car up and spent the second half of July there. We brought our bikes, more as an afterthought. I had an old bike, but a few mornings I rode. Nantucket has lots of bike paths next to the roads, so there was plenty to explore.
One of my favorite pastimes is giving my kids my phone, then checking in fifteen minutes later to see what horrifying thing they are watching. It’s great parenting. If I ever write a sequel parenting book, I will recommend this strategy. Anyway, during the trip, Max stumbled upon videos of this guy Erik the Electric, who has a YouTube channel in which he consumes insane quantities of food. Both Max and I found this fascinating and spent way too much time on the trip watching all his videos. The one thing I couldn’t figure out though, was how this guy was still thin. He eats like 15,000 calories at a time, yet looks really fit. Well, I dug deeper and found out he’s an avid cyclist.
When we got home from the trip, I went to the local bike store and purchased a road bike, the same bike store I would later admonish for having clothes which were too small.
Nine months have passed since then, and cycling has become an obsession. I ride at least 3X/week, for a few hours at a time – usually around 30 miles each ride. I bought all the necessary gear – holders for two water bottles, phone holder, front and back lights, and a cushion for my bike seat, as the seats on road bikes are apparently made to ensure you are no longer fertile.
Most importantly:
Me: I’m looking for a new bike helmet.
Store employee: Well, we have five different types of helmets, they range from sixty dollars to two-hundred-fifty dollars.
Me: What’s the difference between them?
Store employee: The one that’s two-fifty has tremendous shock absorption and will really protect your head in a collision. It’s expensive, but it’s cheaper than a CAT Scan.
Me: How many times have you used that line on someone?
Store employee: More than I can count.
Me: I mean, do I have a choice now? Well done.
Store employee: Thank you.
A few months back, I completed the look with biking glasses. I had everything but the clothes. I’ve been riding in cheap bike shorts and non-biking shirts. That led to my request for a gift certificate for my birthday to buy cool biking clothes. In fairness, I have been following Mr. Electric’s plan exactly, eating large amounts of food and cycling a lot, yet I have not achieved the same results.
Lauren [my wife]: Brett, he’s 25 years old. He has a fast metabolism and he bikes 8 hours a day because he’s has no kids to deal with.
Me: I feel like he misled me.
—-
What is it about cycling I find so appealing? Well, there is an exercise element to it which is good for my physical and mental health. Also, there’s a comradery among bikers which starts with a hello to every biker you pass and leads all the way to joining biking groups that go for rides. I have not ventured into that world, as I am by nature anti-social, and I like having my headphones on and listening to music or a podcast.1
There is some downside, namely the close calls I regularly have with cars driven by assholes. I’ve gotten the on-brand “We’re worried you’re going to get hit by a car” from my parents (but Mom, I have the most expensive helmet). Lauren hasn’t been as concerned, as she understands how important cycling is for my mental health.2
I have a tendency to become obsessed with things and do them until I’m sick of them, and then I stop entirely. That risk exists with cycling. But I don’t know. It’s amazing to be outside, alone, riding along the water or in parks, and even just on the roads (though there’s a lot more roadkill than I expected). My love for cycling seems to grow by the day.
On my birthday, I did my longest ride ever. I wanted to bike my age in miles: 44. I wound up doing 45, as math isn’t my specialty.3
And about that gift certificate, I’ve been trying to lose a few pounds for the summer. I want to look as good as I can for the exactly zero people who will care how I look at my local pool.
Me: I think this intermittent fasting thing is working.
Lauren: You’re sticking to the 8 hours eating only.
Me: No, I think it’s the opposite. 16 hours on, 8 hours no eating.
Lauren: That literally makes no sense. Why would there be a diet where you fast for 8 hours only? That’s how long you sleep.
Me: And that’s the time I’ve chosen to fast. It’s quite easy actually.
Maybe I have unlocked a new intermittent fasting technique, or maybe I’m just biking a ton, but I dropped a few pounds last week. So I decided to give it another run at the bike store to try to fit in their XL jersey.
Me: It’s still not fitting. Can I try a different brand jersey in XL?
Store employee: Yes. If that doesn’t fit, we do have new helmets.
Me: How much are they?
Store employee: $350.
Me: But I thought the $250 one was the best one.
Store employee [handing me the helmet to try on]: Oh no. These are much better. You hit your head with this on, you won’t even need a CAT Scan.
