The Cleanse
So I’m fat. New fat. Like there’s Old Money and New Money. I’m New Fat. It’s fun being New Fat. People don’t know what to say when they see me. They just pretend they’re not staring at my stomach. Now I know how girls feel when guys look at their boobs while they talk to them.
But the summer is fast approaching and apparently I had to do something. Like the cavewoman she is, my wife, Lauren, wants to be “attracted to me again.” That’s when she’s really fed up. She usually starts out with positive reinforcement like: “I don’t want our children to find you dead of a heart attack in the bathroom.”
What to do to knock a few pounds off? I could try dieting, but that takes too long.
What about a juice cleanse? I can’t do it alone though. I’ll ask Lauren. Oh wait, she’s a maniac that wakes up at 5:30 and is training for a marathon.
I need someone who’s in a similar position as me.
Enter MIKE D.
Mike D (His own wife calls him that. I feel like once you’ve impregnated a woman twice, she should stop calling you by the first initial of your last name, but who am I to judge?)
I met Mike D when our kids were in preschool. Mike D and I are a lot alike. We’re both sports fans. We have wives who run and have their shit together. (Though unlike me, Mike D does have all his serotonin.) Our kids are similar ages, and our daughters are especially close.1 <——————– Click these fun red boxes
We’re also around the same level of handsome; just handsome enough to have gotten our wives back in the day. But that was before kids and age and that extra 20 pounds. And it’s because of these looks we’re still holding onto that we’re vain enough to take extreme action like signing up for a 3-day juice cleanse.
We also belong to the same pool club and the summer is beginning. That means no shirt. You’ve heard of the Freshman Fifteen. I call it the Winter Walrus.2
If anyone thinks doing a juice cleanse with another guy is too intimate for a straight male, you may be right. But we had gone for foot massages a few times, which is like 3rd base in the male friend relationship. There was no place else to go but a juice cleanse.3
Goals
Macro – Don’t die.
Micro – Lose ten pounds while not dying.
The Plan
Three days, 6 juices each day, nothing else. Monday – we pray. Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday – cleanse days. Friday-Sunday – we feast like Genghis Khan and gain all the weight back that we lost.
Monday
The juices arrive. Mike D texts me.
The Last Supper: You’re supposed to ease your way into a cleanse. Eat light the day before. I did no such thing. Two Grandma slice pizzas, a pre-dessert snack of chocolate chip cookies, and the dessert I’ve made famous across the Seven Kingdoms – A glass filled with whipped cream, peanut butter, and banana.
Tuesday – Day 1
Weigh in before we start:
I call Mike D up.
Me: We’re making a bigger comeback than Brussel Sprouts.
Uncomfortable silence.
Mike D: That’s your pep talk?
Me: Alexa, play Eye of the Tiger.
Mike D: I have to go.
On Tuesdays, I work at my office near my house in New Jersey. I intentionally lined it up this way so I wouldn’t have to exert myself on my first day.
10:00 A.M. – I start off with a Passion Fruit Cleanse. Not bad. I mean, not bad with Nutella Pancakes. I’m starving already.
2:30 P.M. – Three drinks down. I check in with Mike D.
6:30 P.M.
Lauren: Brett, can you shower the kids?
Brett: No, I’m paralyzed.
Lauren: You’re paralyzed when you’re eating.
Brett: I’m doing this for you. I want to look beautiful for you.
Lauren (extended eye roll)
8:30 P.M. – Final drink today – Cashew Milk. For all I know, it has no taste. When you’ve been drinking juice all day though, cashew milk tastes like crack.
Wednesday – Day 2
7:30 A.M.
Lauren: Can you make Liz bacon and eggs?
Brett: Do you want me to fail? Please just let me die.
Lauren: You’d definitely lose weight.
9:00 A.M.
Mike D lost seven pounds in one day. And that’s with him drinking Tito’s.
10:00 A.M. – I have my first drink of the day, Detox Greens. My review:
2:00 P.M. – I’m in my city office. Since I got here, I answered one call, and then proceeded to sit in a trance and obsess over the two hours between drinks. On one hand, I hate the juices. On the other hand, it’s all that’s keeping me alive.
6:30 P.M. – I’ve never not loved my kids. But if I had to pick a time when I came closest…
Lauren: Matt, please eat your hotdog.
Matt: I don’t like it.
Lauren: Take one bite and then you can have some French Fries.
Matt: No.
Me: Are you fucking kidding me? Eat your fucking hot dog you little shit. (Fine, I didn’t say that.)
8:00 P.M. – Drinking Coconut Fusion. Going strong. Finally, a breakthrough. I can do this. I just need positive energy from here on out.
8:30 P.M. – Mike D texts this photo:
8:30 P.M. – 9:00 P.M. – I use Matt’s crayons and draw pictures of calzones.
9:00 – This text from Mike D:
Thursday – Day 3
8:00 A.M. – Breakfast
Matt: Daddy, did you know that seagulls eat worms?
Brett: That’s more like it.
Mike D’s apparently a lot better than me at losing weight. I’m happy for him. I really am. I’ve truly evolved as a person. I hate him.
11:00 A.M. – Finish line in sight. I have skipped the Detox Green. I can’t drink it. It is the worst thing I have ever tasted. It has dandelion in it. Who drinks fucking dandelion? What am I a bee?
3:00 P.M.
6:30 P.M. – I convinced Lauren to let me stay upstairs during dinner, as it’s the last night and I can’t be around those ungrateful animals we conceived. Did this cleanse affect my mood? I feel like it might have a little.
8:00 P.M. (video – wait for it to load)
Post-Cleanse
Surprisingly, we both have done well in the weeks since the cleanse ended. Our vanity is winning the war with our gluttony. A few other things have helped:
1. The bathroom – IBS was my secret ingredient that kept me thin through my 20s. Highly recommend – 10/10. For some reason, though, I was backed up during the cleanse. On Friday, my first day post-cleanse, I went to Whole Foods to the section where you help yourself to the nuts and dried fruit, and you weigh it and put a tag on the bag. Way too much effort. I’m also slightly frugal, and again agitated that I hadn’t eaten for three days, so I helped myself to five prunes right there in the store.
Literally, as I finished chewing the last one, I felt a wave through my stomach. It was as if all 18 juices just needed a little nudge from something. Or I was being punished for stealing five prunes. I made the executive decision to head for my car and go home. Big mistake. Normally, my colon has navigation and controls itself until I’m near my home bathroom. But my colon GPS malfunctioned and it was a race. I drove as fast as I could, fearing I’d be pulled over for speeding or for stealing those prunes.
I made it home barely, but mission accomplished.
2. Exercise – I mean, not really. Mike D and I started walking around town late at night.
Actual exercise was out of the question because it’s hard. Nighttime walking seemed ideal since we’re both night owls, though there is a risk of us being accused of being peeping toms as we walk past people’s houses at midnight.
3. Dieting – Mike D’s doing the anti-Vegan diet, also known as Atkins. I think buying giant dead chickens and eating only that might not be healthy, but it’s working for him. And again, health is not the goal here. Pure sexiness is. As for me, I have found a certain beauty in torturing myself. I boil eggs whites in the morning. I have seaweed and more seaweed for lunch. For dinner, I mooch some of whatever healthy thing Lauren has made for herself. On nights we’re not walking, I then I drag myself up to the bedroom, brush my teeth, get into bed early, and cry myself to sleep.
Final Results:
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This is the last of the soliciting, but once more, if you haven’t bought twelve of my books as presents for Father’s Day, are you even my friend? Don’t answer that.
Anyway, enjoy your summer everyone!
